It’s a f*cking weird time to be alive huh?
No I’m only pulling your leg – however this pretty much sums up the alternate reality we seem to be existing in; almost like we’re floating in space, waiting to wake up from this bloody nightmare.
I’m having a bit of a mare myself, a lot is going on in my noggin and I’m gonna use this space to vent – so please be aware that this is a difficult blog post for me to write.
Recently I’ve been struggling to come to terms with the fact I will never be able to carry my own child, give birth, or share this precious moment with my partner(s). My chances of miscarriage are significantly higher than the average individual, and my genetic conditions (Ehlers Danlos Syndrome) is something I wish not to pass onto my child if I have the choice. I understand that this doesn’t mean I can’t be a mother – as there’s always the option to adopt or foster – but I feel a physical ache knowing I can’t try to get pregnant, grow a child, give birth and do this with the person I love. I can’t help but have moments in which I feel like my body is defective, so I catch myself yearning for something which I know cannot happen. However in theory I know I am bound to have these thoughts when my biological urges aren’t a reality, and it doesn’t make me lesser than, or affect my worth as a human being – but that it’s also okay to be upset and conflicted about something so emotive and painful.
This is especially difficult when your partner wants to have children one day and you know it can’t be with you, being that we’re polyamorous.
Before I wanted children I used to consider it selfish to have countless IVF treatments and surrogacy when there are thousands of loving children out there who need a loving family and home. I get it now, the physical ache you feel knowing you can’t carry your own child – and it kills me knowing I can’t have this experience with my partner. I understand that for many other couples, using a sperm donor or a surrogate is something quite achievable, but in my case…not so much.
I’m currently suffering a monster period too so this isn’t exactly helping my emotional strain – especially when it’s been going on for 6 LITERAL bloody months, and only recently decided to kick off big style (likely from the stress). Along with this my hair has decided to thin, which it hasn’t done since I lost it as a result of medication required for the treatment of blood poisoning, hence why I don’t believe this has anything to do with my unusual menstrual issues. After visiting the GP about 7 weeks ago, and having gynaecological swabs taken to detect any underlying issues and receiving the all-clear, I’m at a dead end. I’ve tried different types of contraceptive pill, the implant, and managing my anemia with clinical support…and so far nothing has helped.
So yeah, it’s been a lot – but nevertheless it has been nice to let it out and put it out there, as this something which helps me to make peace with whatever’s bothering me. I know that there are a lot of people out there who have similar worries and upsets, so this goes out to each one of you.
Stay strong, stay home, protect the NHS, save lives.
Lots of love and virtual hugs,