Can someone tell me what’s going on?!

Hello Blooms this blog post is going to be regarding how the pandemic has affected me, and how I’m trying to stay sane. A few days ago I published ‘Head above water’ in which I discussed the importance of safeguarding the vulnerable, and I received a positive response – so I must thank you for your kind words.

I think we can all agree that this is a turbulent, confusing, and quite honestly…scary time for all of us; especially for the chronic illness community, and others who are immunocompromised.

We need to ensure unity as this has proven to be quite a divisive time, and we should not have to see relationships suffer due to ignorance, but one thing we must bear in mind is that by educating ourselves about the virus and how to prevent it is helping to save lives and protect the NHS. I urge those with stable immune systems, or with no underlying condition, not to think of this as a personal attack; we are not just sitting here trying to manipulate you into staying inside that you can’t have fun. This is not what that is about. I’ve seen how our community has been gaslit about this in recent times and it is something I have personally experienced.

As a disabled individual, I know how extremely hurtful it is when all you want to do is to protect yourself and others because you’re seeing the emotional and physical impact that it’s having on our lives. Our health is often so complex, and different from the “norm” so please trust us when we ask you to change something to help our community, and help our society stay safe and healthy. Of course we make mistakes, and we are all open to criticism, but what we have to do is listen to each other and not be afraid to ask for advice or ask for support.

Afterall…we’re stronger together than we are as individuals no matter how resilient and tough we may be respectively.

I have found myself in a strange headspace stuck between: struggling; and I’m fine. It’s a peculiar feeling that I’m not quite used to – I haven’t felt like this before and I’ve had many other people expressing that they’re feeling the same way, so it sounds like isolation has also isolated us from ourselves. Sounds cliche, but this isn’t like some fake deep stuff, it isn’t Noah Centineo’s twitter feed level cringe, but I have definitely have seen my shift and my depression. For years I was in in different states of dissociation because my reality was unstable volatile and difficult to navigate, but now it’s relatively stable but unyielding – I can never quite predict what’s going to happen next with my health, and everything is followed by a question mark at the moment; especially now.

Furthermore, despite knowing it may come across as selfish to some, I’m worried that my health will have negative consequences as a result of hospital appointment cancellations. As it stands, the death toll in the UK is 4,313 people not to mention the globally. I’m trying not to look at all of the figures and stats because it’s just stressful, especially as a high risk person.

I’ve seen our lives shift dramatically, and many people realising the fragility of their own existence, but also the camaraderie that can arise when matters reach breaking point, which goes to show what we can achieve as society together to help support those in need. I just hope that we can apply these things after the pandemic has been under control and things have resumed to a new normal. However right now, this seems like an eternity away.

One thing I found to be helpful during the situation is acknowledging my concern around it how stressful it is amd oue fear of the unknown. we don’t fully understand what’s going on and it happened so fast that we didn’t really have time to adjust to it we have to allow ourselves that time to grieve for what we had what we lost, even though we have lost the sense of understanding, a sense of comfort or of hope – it’s possible to adapt once we’ve climatised and gained an altered sense of normality.

It’ll just take time, allow yourself to feel confused, concerned, stressed, sad etc; but also try and highlight the positives; no matter how small. Before going to sleep I try and remember 3 good things which occurred during the day, for example mine would be

  1. My succulent has grown a new leaf
  2. I video-called with my best friend Ellie and watched a good film
  3. I received a postcard in the mail which made me smile.

But despite the level of uncertainty we collectively feel with all this, I know we can and will get through this; our strength, resilience, and grit can oftentimes be overshadowed by the mundane or fast pace of life, but it doesn’t mean we’re less able than previously shown. I believe in you.

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